My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
