I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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