I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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