Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
