I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize