i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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