I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
