Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
someone owes me an orgasm
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
