Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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