if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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