I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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