Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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