so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She's the barista slut.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
