I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
