so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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