Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need to stop coming to work sober
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize