moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
