I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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