I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
