I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize