I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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