sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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