becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
