There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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