these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
