i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
