I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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