I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
