Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
