last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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