Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
