do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
