I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
