I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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