I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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