If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
are you so shy because you have an std?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
