Say something about gay babies.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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