Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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