if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize