i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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