Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
