the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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