You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
