Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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