My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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