When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize