Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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