When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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