dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I CAN MOONWALK!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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