You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
