i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
