Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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