I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it because I queefed?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
