you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
