I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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