Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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