Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm too high and old for this...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
