my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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