So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
