My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
