I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
